My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I think my mom just blocked me
same bro
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
we’re dead?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.