My ideal weight is five million dollars
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Hey i am sexy to you now
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.