My ideal weight is five million dollars
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
