My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978