@AllanForsyth

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

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@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@neiltyson

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

@QwertyJones3

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@karencreets

I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone

@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@DBMaxP

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

@Kids_kubed

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?