My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I put the p in pants.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I got soap in my shower beer again.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”