Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?