@shutupmikeginn

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

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@theewren

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ?? ?????? ??? ???

@Vodkantots

Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.

@Shade510

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

@LittleMissAngr1

Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.

@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH