my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.