my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…