My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏