My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.