@certifiable_end

My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.

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@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@longwall26

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

@AlanHungover

No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@matt_simpson84

Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

@StephenBCramer

My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.

@ericONEderful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.