Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My imagination ran away with me, but we’re both out of shape and didn’t get very far.
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QB: So extra point or conversion?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf
WIFE: Please take the trash out
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.