My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
also my go-to takeaway order
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.