I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
me: i feel anxious
body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down
me: i feel much worse
body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people
Me: No its okay they pay me
Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
me: alcohol u tomorrow