My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no