@Marlebean

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

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@BuckyIsotope

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@joshgondelman

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

@thinkingparsnip

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

@gylertagan

[First Date]
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people
Her: Um…?
Me: No its okay they pay me

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow