My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.