My inexpensive home security system…
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
reminder
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe