My inexpensive home security system…
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!