@Scott_A_Gilmore

My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

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@ThugRaccoons

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

@knot_eye

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

@DHCBerndtson

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

@UniqueDude2

WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too

@zacharyflynn

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@TheBoydP

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*