The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?
How about your kid?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.
– Why my mystery novel failed
Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”
Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR