*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Always
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home