How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker: I’m in.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
J: you too
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.