@Scott_A_Gilmore

My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

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@UGotMeRight

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

@HenpeckedHal

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

@ItsAndyRyan

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

@thewritertype

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed

@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”

@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR