My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.