a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning