@Only_Fast_Eddie

My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

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@nyquills

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

@CakeThrottle

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC

@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees

@ShortSleeveSuit

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????

@ImHopel3ss

My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!

@EBenita0517

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

?
me: it needs a belt right?