My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me?

Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride


People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.


“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother



Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds


Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.


Husband: What’s in the Amazon package?

Me: It’s a surprise.



H: You forgot what you ordered?

Me: I forgot what I ordered.


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.


An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying “good boy.”