My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Great game to play with friends
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?