My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.