My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
Have kids, they said
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The booster protects against what, now?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Sunday
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face