my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
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i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
When you’re Kinky but poor
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.