My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

You Might Also Like


how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes


I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.


I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.


*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today


[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all


Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?


I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.


Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids