My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
my retirement plan is braless
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*