@Parkerlawyer

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

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@Kristen_Arnett

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

@gorrdano

I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.

@LuvPug

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@AnkCoupleTO

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@hipstermermaid

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

@kcmoore51

Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids