how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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I help morning mall walkers get their blood flowing by chasing them down with a chainsaw.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
This is it, this is the image of the year
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.