@elle91

My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.

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@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@BuckyIsotope

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@dhilliard74

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

@stevevsninjas

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir