Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Thursday Thought.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?