My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

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Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…


Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.


where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?


A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”


Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails


If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.


ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.


Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.


ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there


People who say “life doesn’t come with a set of instructions” obviously haven’t heard of the Kama Sutra.