@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

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@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@Ygrene

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

@jannable9

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@madcaplaughs30

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say

@drxubair

I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.

@280Jokes

When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy says. “I’m looking for the seal.”