My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Perfect
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.