@bellicosejason

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

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@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

@AudreyPorne

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@HomeWithPeanut

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.