@KKAlThani

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

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@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

@DrakeGatsby

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@brunopieroni

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.