My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.


me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest


Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?


Me: Omelette you eat now


I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school


Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.


the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?


Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”


I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.


Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.