6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When I snag the last meatball.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.