My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.


Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.


“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”


ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me



So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others


Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.


Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.


“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.


A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.