@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@SoulYodeler

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

@Skoog

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

@Darlainky

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@mrjohndarby

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

@james_comics

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@david8hughes

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?