Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
Talk shit get clipped
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?