My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.


Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?


peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit


Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.


her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?