@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

@OhioMomoftwo

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

@UncleDuke1969

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

@AbrasiveGhost

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

@daemonic3

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

@timk927

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@DanKCharnley

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@baycontaco

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

@TheBoydP

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.