For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes