Beer makes me feel invincible.
Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m single by choice…of others.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???