@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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@ericsshadow

Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@JohnMayer

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

@ChristianPlante

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

@EggInBurger

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

@MattMcC1

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???