TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
You Might Also Like
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”
Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog