@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@Parkerlawyer

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

@HomeWithPeanut

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@AndyAsAdjective

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

@Laser_Cat

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.