My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not


agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.


Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’


I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom


The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room


DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice