Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.