My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Me: Same
let’s discuss
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.