Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Lmao
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.