Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.