@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”

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@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

@samalmightysam

God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be

@existentialcoms

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

@radstunts

have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@Playing_Dad

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*