My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.

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All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.


We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter


“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”


When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.


Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’


If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??


Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this


The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.


I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.