@shkeeber

My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.

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@kelkulus

All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@Trisarahjtops

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

@rachann79

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.