My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else.

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

they’ve hired a PR firm

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.

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