My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn’t matter to anyone else.
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
they’ve hired a PR firm
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.