Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.