My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.