My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.