My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Stop.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?