My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.