@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

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@TheBoydP

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

@michaeldyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

@stevemarriott

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

@MissHavisham

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

@TakeForGrantd

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription