@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

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@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@ChrisThayerSays

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

@KDsMorning

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

@Shenaniglenns

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer