My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.

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So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.


Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?


An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.


him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak


I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.


Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.