Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
THIS HEADLINE
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Ain’t no way
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*