My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Wikigenius
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Stop.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.