Computer: set password
Computer: password is too long
My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.