snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores