@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

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@Babasnookie

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

@mjkspeaks

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

@dumbdora77

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

@CheckMeowTBruh

[social pariah]
I’m an undesirable. I have been excommunicated from society doomed to walk this Earth forever alone & unloved.

[social piranha]
ALAN! MY MAN! I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE BAR! GIMME A SEC! A KID JUST FELL IN THE LAKE, YOU KNOW I CAN’T DRINK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@WittySassBasket

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.