My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Phonetics
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…