My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.


The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet


Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.


trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song


A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.


If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.