My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?