TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.