My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
12. I think about this all the damn time
When you let grandma cat sit
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.