MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.