Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually