@OyVeyLady

My kid covered the buttons on the dishwasher with stickers because he didn’t want me to know he had pushed the buttons and that kind of magical thinking will make him a great politician someday.

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@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@SatansTongue

“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
Shhhh
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@NewDadNotes

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

@buddhatree

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@andlikelaura

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.