My kid covered the buttons on the dishwasher with stickers because he didn’t want me to know he had pushed the buttons and that kind of magical thinking will make him a great politician someday.

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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]


“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now


A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter


[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.


Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.


Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself


My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.


[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body


me: and they’re unhealthy


My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*


Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.