my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I need this for my side hustle.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
The pasta is now
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.