@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

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@FredTaming

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@OllyiConic

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

@MrT1M

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death